


Lost

by xkrytore



Series: Merlin/Merthur Oneshots [7]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, revelations while dragging up old fics, uhhhh, yeah idk what i was doing this one???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:22:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27251146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xkrytore/pseuds/xkrytore
Summary: Some lads get super emotionally constipated and it finally snaps them both.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin/Merthur Oneshots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980605
Kudos: 37





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> according to my a/n at the beginning of the oneshot (on wattpad): ok angst with a maybe happy ending because missio has a lot of emo songs and i get them v i b e s
> 
> i honestly have no clue
> 
> kinda wacky pacing; might edit later but i'm honestly too lazy to do that

"You're so bloody useless, Merlin."

But this time it wasn't lighthearted as usual. Merlin looked up when Arthur snapped at him, frowning. Arthur looked tense and angry, blazing eyes locking on him.

"How kind of you, Arthur," he responded, not really knowing what to say to this angry Arthur. All he had done was step on a twig on the hunting trip. It shouldn't have made him this angry, as he did something similar on almost every hunting trip, but despite that, they always caught something.

"I'm not being funny," Arthur snarled, storming over and grabbing Merlin by his shirt collar, slamming him backwards into the wall. The breath was driven out of him from the force, and he stared at Arthur with wide eyes.

"I— I'm sorry..?" Merlin was steadily growing more concerned, eyes widening.

"You always try and brush off everything foolish that you do. You really are a moron. I don't even know why I keep you around. I should have fired you a long time ago," Arthur spat, shoving away from Merlin, leaving him leaning against the wall.

Ouch. That stings. "I'm sorry, Arthur—"

"It's sire. You call me sire, Merlin. You can never refer to me by my first name because you are nothing but a servant," Arthur interrupted, staring coldly at Merlin.

Those words lanced through Merlin's chest painfully. He nearly flinched, looking away from Arthur. "I— You said— You once said that we... If you weren't a prince, we could be close friends."

"But, guess what. I am a prince. Don't be an idiot, Merlin. I would never consider you a friend."

Merlin started to shake, his breathing quickening. "Is that so?"

Arthur laughed dryly. It wasn't like anything Merlin had heard from him before, cold and heartless. "Of course. Why would I consider you a friend?"

And the pain raced through Merlin. And the tears pricked at his eyes, stinging. And he wanted to scream, to tear his voice to shreds. And he wanted to tell Arthur about all the times they saved each other. And he wanted to tell Arthur about all the moments, the quiet moments, where they were two of the same level, equal. Friends. Maybe something more.

But he couldn't. And what came out of his own mouth scared him. He was gone.

"There is no reason, sire. I'm sorry. Will there be anything else you will require tonight?" He looked up at the prince, eyes dead, voice flat. The pain had stopped.

"No. You are dismissed." And with that Arthur waved a hand, turning away from Merlin.

He left the room, walking stiffly, back rigid and eyes fixed on his path.

<<+>>

The sun rose, but no one could see it. The warming rays were hidden behind a thick blanket of clouds, dull and grey, not quite bringing the promise of rain. They were just there, bringing a somber feeling over the kingdom. Only a few birds sang, the ones with shrieking or croaking songs. A single songbird sang, but the notes were off and broken, like it was in mourning.

Perhaps it was.

Arthur awoke before Merlin had even entered his chambers with a sick feeling in his stomach. He began to shake rather violently, drawing in a slow breath. Everything he said to Merlin burned his mouth, toxic and disgusting. He sat up and rested his back against the headboard, drawing his knees up to his chest, resting his forearms on them and burying his face in his hands, pressing his palms into his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. They still fell.

He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have taken out his anger, his pain on Merlin. He was too close to snapping, too strained.

"Oh god," he whispered, his throat tight and words jagged, a muffled sob escaping him. He could feel his own words squeezing his heart, and had no idea what effect they would have on Merlin.

Eventually he heard a knock on his door, and called a broken, "Enter."

Merlin stepped inside the room, closing the door quietly behind him. "I didn't expect you to be awake, sire."

His flat tone scared Arthur, forcing him to look up. He saw Merlin's black, almost cold expression, and dead eyes looking at him but not seeing. It killed him inside, to know it was all his fault.

"Merlin, I..." He tried to say something, but the hard look on Merlin's face told him a simple sorry just wouldn't cut it. Of course it wouldn't. And he didn't know what he could do or say to fix it. He could feel the rift between them, and the ice on Merlin's side.

Hauling himself out of bed, Arthur stared at Merlin, who stared back. "What do you want me to do. Merlin, I will do anything, anything, to fix this."

Merlin just tilted his head at Arthur. "Fix what? Nothing I can see is broken, sire."

Arthur had to bite his tongue to stop himself from screaming, despite the fact that he couldn't breathe. He took a step towards Merlin, who didn't move. He crossed all the way, standing right in front of his manservant.

"Us, Merlin. I broke us. And there is nothing I wouldn't do to fix it. Please, give me a chance," he begged, voice breaking on 'please'. He reached out and gently grabbed Merlin's arm, desperate.

Merlin blinked. "There was never an 'us', as far as I can recall, sire."

"Merlin I— I love you. I love you, okay? Please, I was— I wasn't thinking. And I know a simple 'I'm sorry' isn't going to do anything. I am willing to do nearly anything to fix whatever I've done to our friendship. And I wish it could be so much more," Arthur said, his voice shaking.

That's when Merlin faltered, at the 'so much more'. He didn't know what to say to that, how he should react. He felt like he should say something, tell Arthur— Tell Arthur that he wished that too. He wanted them to be so much more. And yet he couldn't forget what Arthur said yesterday. And all the other times, when Arthur was being harsh and flat out mean, not friendly teasing. Was he going to go crawling back?

Well, he sure wasn't going to crawl. "And what, would 'anything' include?" He asked, tilting his head ever so slightly, face still blank.

"I would give you any title you wanted. Hell— I'd make you king alongside me! I'd give you any amount of land or gold you want. I'd go and kill any beast— Or— Or..." Arthur choked on his words, hesitating only a moment before continuing, "Or I'll convince the woman you love to return your affections."

Finally, Merlin smiled. It was a sad smile, and tears sprung to his eyes at the sight of Arthur, knowing his manservant wouldn't return his feelings. But it was a smile nonetheless, and with a single step forwards Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur, who began to sob into his shoulder.

"I— I thought I lost you," he cried, muffled, grabbing onto Merlin's jacket like it was the only thing holding him steady.

"I thought I might have lost myself. I'm so sorry. I couldn't get past what you said," Merlin said, keeping his voice quiet.

"I wasn't in my right mind. I— Don't know what came over me."

"We've been having a lot of troubles with Morgana. You have a lot of pent up anger, and I was the closest thing that you could vent it on. It wasn't entirely your fault. We need to find some other way for you to relieve your stress."

"As long as you stay by my side. If I... If I ever snap like again, you have full rights to hit me. Please," Arthur said, looking up at Merlin, a watery smile on his face, but his eyes were serious.

"I hope you don't snap again. I don't think you will, because I love you." Merlin pulled Arthur closer again and kissed him, surprising his prince. They remained like that for a while, standing in the center of the room, then finally pulled apart, resting their foreheads against each other.

"I love you so much," Arthur murmured, holding both of Merlin's hands on his chest, over his heart.

"As to you," was Merlin's simple response.


End file.
